I haven’t blogged here in more than a year, and I’m not sure I’ll pick it up again, but this is where I’ll share this thought.

Seven years ago today, my dad died suddenly while coaching high school lacrosse — something he loved to do.

I’ve never shared this, but I often fall asleep at night thinking about death. I think about what would happen if someone else close to me died or, more often, what would happen if I died. This isn’t new — I’ve done this since I was a kid. I’ve never known why I do it, and I’ve never shared it because it always felt rather morbid, inappropriate, and depressing to say out loud. If you know me, you know I’m a pretty positive and optimistic guy. I love life, and reflect often on whether I’m living life to its fullest. I don’t worry about death, and rarely think about it throughout the day.

I recently read that Buddhist monks are happy in part because they think about death often, which reminds them that life is short. That resonated with me.

I’ve never purposely thought about death as a way to trick myself into enjoying life, but perhaps that’s happening. Maybe my thoughts aren’t depressing, but in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps my thoughts create an effect not unlike the great feeling of relief you get when you wake from a horrible dream and realize it was only a dream. After Pop’s death, I kept hoping for it to be a bad dream — hoping for that feeling of relief.

I’ve never liked the phrase “live every day like it’s your last.” If I did that, among other things, I’d weigh 300 lbs. I try to live every day like it’s really, really important. I hug my wife & kids and remind them I love them. I try to do my best at work. I learn something new. I’m truly thankful for each day, and try to make sure that if it is my last, it wasn’t wasted.

On this anniversary of Pop’s death, I’m reminded that I’ve made it not just another day, but another year, even though his life was cut short. I remember thinking that if Pop were around to comment on his own death, the first thing he’d say is “but, I wasn’t ready yet.” I plan to be around for a long time — long enough to meet my kid’s kid’s kids. I’m far from ready yet, and I will cherish every day I get.